Peace
by casalass
Summary: Cas tries to comfort Dean after all the pain that happened before the winter break on the show. some spoilers for season nine episode ten.


Dean stares at his phone for a good five minutes before deciding to call Castile. He listens to the phone ring and every time it does it echo's in Dean's hears. Cas answers with his gruff voice and all Dean has to say is can you come, and without a doubt Cas will be there. Dean sits with silence all around him and darkness creeping up in his thoughts. He sits, waits, and pleads silently for a distraction. It could be anything really he doesn't care as long as it takes him away from his own thoughts and feelings. Usually he would go for the booze straight away but Dean lately has been looking for other ways out of his pain and for some reason pray is the only thing holding him together. He prays to Cas almost every day. Confiding in Cas has become his own personal drink. It doesn't get rid of the pain all away but numbs it for the time being. Dean tells himself that he does more good than bad when he interlopes into people's lives. He use to believe that he was saving them. Helping them, but now he knows that everyone he meets will turn to dust. He just prolonging the inevitable.

Cas somehow appears in front of Dean with a frown upon his face and his brows lower with concern. "What's wrong… what happened Dean?"

Dean sits still and lowers his head. He can't look Cas in the eyes because he can't see the disappointment in his eyes the judgment that would be there. He now knows what it feels to be the one who messes up. Who thought he was doing good. For all the judgment Dean had when Cas made the wrong choices. He knows now how Cas felt. Hell now he even knows how Sam felt. He knows all the guilt that comes from trusting all the wrong people. "I fucked up. I fucked up and got Kevin killed in the process." He told Cas.

"What do you mean?" asked Cas

"I killed Kevin, with my stupidity."

"I highly doubt that Dean."

"I trusted the wrong person Cas, I was desperate I needed to save Sammy but I didn't know how. So I trust the first god damn man who walks up and tells me he can help. He sure did Cas, I know now that the only people you can rely on in this god damn place is yourself and maybe even your family."

Cas frowns and filches a every time Dean swears. "I don't think that's true Dean there are people we can trust who generally want to help."

Dean laughs but its not soulful or playful it's just dead. "Right you would think that Cas". He said while his eyes meet Cas's. "Just look at our track record, the people we trust usually turn out to be the ones we shouldn't…. I mean look at every time someone came up to us and told us that we could trust them then look at the end results."

"Dean I'm sorry."

"For what Cas. You can't do anything. I've been broken ever since I went to hell, and no matter how much I try I will always be broken. I can't put these pieces back together I never could. Sure for while I was kidding myself. I thought I was getting better that this emptiness was finally leaving, but in reality I was only temporally fixed with duct tape and glue. The sad part is I was going around trying to help people, but really I'm poison to them. I didn't help them I doomed them."

Cas stood there quite for some time taking in all that Dean had told him. He didn't know what to say he didn't know what to tell Dean. So he settled on showing him instead. He slowly walked to Dean lifting two fingers to his temple and placed memories and pictures of all the people Dean helped.

Dean at first shied away from Castiel's touch but as soon as the connection was made memories floated past in his mind. Dean saw all the cases he had done, all the lives he saved. Starting from his first one to his most recent. Of course he didn't save them all and Cas made sure he lingered longer on those then any other. But the ones he did save had the look of relief on their faces mingled loss, but a small smile hiding all the pain that was eating at them. Dean felt a sadness come across him because he knows the feeling all too well. Then Dean pulled back from Cas with watery eyes.

"What was the point of showing me that cas? He said angrily.

"I realized the only way to get through to you was too show you the people you saved."

"Cas I didn't save any one those people lives. They are going to be forever scared and unrepairable."

"Dean those people went through something that no one should go through, and it sucks. But humans are resilient always have been they will go on. You may say you make it worse but you know what you stop those things from happening to anyone else. you stop what could devastate someone every day. You may think your poison Dean but you're not your far from it."

"Yeah well I didn't save everyone. I mean what's the point if I couldn't save Joe or Ellen, and Ash for that matter. Just look how many times I got you killed Cas."

"Don't kid yourself, you knew far well advance that when you entered into this job that there was going to be loss. Hunters know that they can't save everyone and I think you know that more than anyone. I'm sorry Dean. I really am the loss you have suffered is great, but know this they all knew what they were getting into. Hunters after all do have a short lifespan."

Dean held back his tears. "It still sucks Cas. Kevin was just a kid. He never asked for this and we pulled him right into it."

"No you're wrong."

"Maybe but it doesn't feel like it."

Cas sighs. He puts his hand on Dean's cheek and rests his forehead on Dean's. "I promise you Dean that you will soon find peace."

"I don't think ever will ask, I already know I'm going to be damned for life."

"I could fix it Dean. You have to do that yourself. I know over time all these pieces scattered around to be soon fused together again. You won't be better then but you will be on your way."

"I don't think I can."

"Trust me I know you can"


End file.
